she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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