I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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