idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize