i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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