the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
