did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
