you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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