FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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