Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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