He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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