I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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