Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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