He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
