All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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