Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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