I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
