so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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