I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
how drunk are you?
Several
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
