Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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