Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
