my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
