the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
