1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just cropdusted the office
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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