you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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