When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
