Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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