I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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