You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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