she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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