Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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