The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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