oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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