Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
