I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
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I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
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This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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