It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
