My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
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