I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
