Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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