he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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