So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm like, not good at living.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
