yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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