apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
