as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Randomize
