Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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