I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
