I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
please come you make the beer taste better
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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