you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
