The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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