this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
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He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
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You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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