I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
