I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
