PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
