Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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