there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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