Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
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Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
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There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
this hospital has no fireball
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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