I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
The air taste purple.
Randomize
