This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
