you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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