Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
